Gary Splotter and the Weird Castle
by Ger
Summary: Gary Splotter returns with Dom Measly to Hogwarts for another year of learning. However, things quickly take a turn for the worst as Gary starts to hear voices and has to deal with a teacher whose stupidity even surpasses Gary. At the end of it all, after


**Chapter 1**

Drape's "Welcome" Back to Hogwarts

**"L**et's go," Gary said to Dom.

"Are you sure my parents won't mind us taking the car?" Dom asked.

"Of course they won't. Man, you know you can _always _trust _me_, right?" Dom was silent. "Oh, so you have to think about it!?"

"I don't have to think about it, I already know the answer."

"Whatever. Just start the car."

"Okay," Dom said. He pointed his wand at the place the key went in and waved his wand. "Bibbity Bobbity Boo!" Nothing happened. "_Start!_" The car's engine started to hum. "Alright, we're starting."

"Ahhh!" Gary screamed and starting shaking.

"Gary!" Dom screamed, trying to calm Gary down. "It's okay, we're flying, not crashing."

"Oh, okay. So, the car's on?"

"It's on."

"I don't see any key though."

"_Magic!_"

"Oh, yeah. I forgot we could do that."

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Finally, Gary and Dom got there. They landed the car on the lawn of the school. Dom looked out his window. There was tree not very far off. It was a willow. Nothing stood out about the tree until it moved. "Hey, look Gary," Dom said. "It's a whomping willow."

"Huh?" Gary looked out Dom's window. "Ahhhhhh! It's a whomping willow! Get out of the car!" he screamed as he opened the door and ran straight at the whomping willow. "Get out of the car! Get out of the car! Get out of the car! Get out of the car! It's a whomping willow! Ahh! It's attacking us!"

"Dude, dude! It's not moving."

"What?" Gary looked at the tree.

All of a sudden, Gary heard Dom yell, "It's Drape! Run!" as he ran off.

Again, Gary asked, "What?" He watched Dom run off. "Whatever Dom. I'm just gonna stay here and talk to the whomping willow." Gary turned towards the tree. "Hello, whomping willow. I think you're supposed to be moving and kicking butt, you know?" Then Gary heard a voice behind him and he turned around. "Hello, Professor Spade!"

"I'm Drape! Where did your friend go?"

"You mean Dom?"

"Where'd he go?"

"How'm I supposed to know? You know, if you look _really_ hard, you look kinda like him. I think you took a sip of Polyjuice Potion. We're gonna get into that this year. Wait! You weren't supposed to know that." Professor Drape now looked like he was about to kill Gary, very much like he did in Gary's first Potions Class in Gary's first year. "Uh - uh - uh - bye!" Gary said and ran off, screaming, "Get back in the car! Get back in the car!"

Professor Drape ran after him, screaming, "You stupid, _stupid_ child!"

"No! I'm smart! I'm the smartest guy in the world!" Gary screamed back. He faced professor Drape and yelled "Expecto Petronumb!" Professor Drape stopped and just starred at Gary. Gary then ran to the car and opened the door.

"_Avada Kedavra!_" Professor Drape yelled at him. Unfortunately, he missed.

Gary jumped in the car and closed the door. "I'm safe," he sighed in relief. But he had forgotten to lock the door. Professor Drape opened the other door to the car. "Hello Professor S-sp-s-spade!"

"Drape!"

"Whatever!" Gary ran out of the car again and went straight for the front doors. As soon as he got inside and closed the doors, he saw Dom.

"It's time for Herbology," Dom said to Gary.

"Alright, let's go." Then, they heard "Mr. Splotter!" from outside and ran.

**Chapter 2**

The Howler

**G**ary and Dom were in one of the Herbology greenhouses, waiting for the teacher. "Hey, Dom. The teacher's Professor Sprout, right?"

"No, they spelled her name wrong on the letter they sent us our first year. Her name's Professor Spout."

"Oh. But where is she?"

"I don't know."

Everyone then watched as Gary got up and started ranting. "Whadya mean you don't know where she is? She's suppose to be here teaching us, but she's no where to be found! I swear! Jeez - La - Wheeze!"

"Gary, please sit down."

"Alright, I'm bored," Gary said as he sat down again. Then he went to sleep.

"Gary?" Dom shoved Gary slightly; Gary didn't move. "Gary, I'm gonna go to Defense Against the Dark Arts, okay? That's where we go next, right?"

"No," Gary murmured. The scary part about this was that Gary was actually right. Finally, he stirred awake. "Where do we go next Dom?"

"Well, it's not time for Defense Against the Dark Arts, so let's go to the Great Hall to eat."

"Okay."

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Gary and Dom sat at a table in the Great Hall, eating. Dom was trying to mend his wand, which had broken on their way there. The only problem was, he was trying to mend it with tape. Just then, the post came in. An envelope fell down from the dozens of owls flying overhead. The red envelope fell in front of Dom. "Hey, look Dom," Gary said, grabbing it, "you got a letter! Let's open it."

"Wha - no! No, Gary! No!" Dom screamed but it was too late. The envelope rose into the air in the shape of a mouth and started yelling at Dom.

"Dom! Where's my car!?! I want my car! How do you expect us to get to schoo - to work!"

Dom was cringing in fear from the envelope. "I kinda lost the car."

"How do you expect us to get to work!?"

"Uh, Apparate?"

"Apparate? Apparate? Shut up!"

"B -bu - bu - but dad? Dad - "

"This is your Mom! Now where's the car!?"

"It's somewhere…like the forest."

"The car…is in…the forest?"

"Yeah," Dom answered, still cowering.

"Yaaahhh!!!"

"Ahhhhh!" The letter then tore itself up.

"That was…weird," Gary said, who had not reacted the whole time.

"Uh, yeah."

"From the sound of it, your dad, or mom, or whoever it was, is…crazy."

"Yeah."

**Chapter 3**

Professor Mocktart and Flying Blankets

**G**ary and Dom were now in the Defense Against the Dark Arts room. "Now, where's Professor Mocktart? I wonder," Gary muttered.

Then they heard, "Hello, hello class! I am Professor Mocktart!" Professor Mocktart strutted into the classroom waving his wand. "See my wand everyone, see it? Isn't it wonderful? Ah - la - la - boom!" he shouted as he waved his wand at one student, sending a shower of sparks at him.

"I think he's a little too thick, don't you, to be a teacher?" Gary whispered to Dom.

"Now, today we will be learning about…magical treadmills! Or…we could learn about…flying blankets."

Professor Mocktart now walked over to a pile of blankets. Gary got up and stood in front of him. "Flying blankets?"

"You think flying blankets are harmless, do you? Well, watch them work!" Professor Mocktart picked up the blankets and threw them at Gary.

"You threw those."

"What are you talking about? They are flying blankets! Fine then, you will have detention with me tonight."

"Why?"

"Because I say so!"

"So?"

"Ugh!" Professor Mocktart groaned. "I give up with this class! I'm going to see Professor Bumbledor!"

"Bumbledor?"

"The Headmaster." He stormed off.

"But what about the magical treadmills!" Gary called after him. "I want to learn about the treadmills!"

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Gary and Dom were now on their way to Quidditch practice. While they were walking, Dom noticed his sister, Gitty, not far off.

"Gitty!" Dom yelled to her. When she looked his way, he waved to her. She started to wave back, but noticed Gary. A look of fear came over her face and she ran off.

"What was that about?" Gary asked.

"Gitty's obsessed with you. She's been talking about you all summer. Quite annoying really. We keep telling her you can't tell a wand from a broom but she thinks you're so great for getting rid of You-Know-Who." Dom shook his head. "God, help her."

Finally, they both reached the Quidditch field. The only thing was that there were two teams on the field, and it looked like they were ready to kill each other. When Gary and Dom reached the two teams, they found out Professor Drape had given the Slytherin team permission to use the field for practice to help their new seeker - Malfoy.

"It's our turn to use the field!" Otter Hood, Gryffindor's captain, yelled at Slytherin's captain.

"So, back off!" Gary added.

Malfoy came forward. "No one asked your opinion, you filthy little idiot."

Gary gasped and fell to the ground. Dom pulled out his wand. "Eat slugs, Malfoy!" He waved his wand at Malfoy, but nothing happened. "It's not working." Dom threw his wand on the ground and started jumping on it.

"Step away from the wand! It didn't do anything to you!" Gary yelled at Dom.

"Oh, shut up. You got your detention now with Professor Mocktart."

"Shut up! Shut up."

**Chapter 4**

Hamburgers, Hotdogs, French Fries

**G**ary walked into Professor Mocktart classroom. "Where is he, where is that dingbat?" Professor Mocktart walked in. "I mean…hello, Professor Mocktart!"

"Why, hello Gary!" Professor Mocktart said. "Now, I suppose you're wondering what I'll be having you do for your detention."

"No, I'd rather know what you're going to screw up. I mean…hello, Professor Mocktart."

"Here's an idea, you'll be signing my fan mail. Here, use this list," he said as he gave Gary a list of names and addresses.

Gary started to work on the list. Pretty soon, he heard a voice.

_Come to me._

_I smell hamburgers, hotdogs, french fries._

_Come…_

"Oh, my mouth is drooling," Gary said with his eyes closed, imagining the foods being spoken.

"Over _what_, Mr. Splotter?" Professor Mocktart asked.

"Didn't you hear that? They have hotdogs, hamburgers, all the good stuff."

Professor Mocktart just stared at him for a moment. "You might be as crazy as I am," he muttered after a moment. Then louder, "Detention is dismissed, I think you're feeling a bit woozy."

"But what about…?"Gary asked, indicating the fan mail.

"Oh, don't worry about that."

"Oh, goody!" Gary said as he just threw it into the air. He got up. "I gotta go and eat some burgers!" he yelled as he exited the room.

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"Dom, guess what. They have hamburgers!" Gary told Dom as soon as he saw him. Dom stared at him. "Didn't you hear that?"

"You heard a voice in your…. Dude, you might be getting schizophrenic!"

"What's that?"

"I don't know. My dad said something about it. It's like you hear voices in you head or something. It's weird." All of a sudden, Dom paled. "Gary, look!" Gary turned around and they both started screaming.

"What's with all the screaming!?" Gary and Dom turned around. One of the Professors walked towards them. "What is that writing?" he asked, pointing at the wall. "Did you two write that? Let's see, it says, 'The Chamber of Blank has been open, people beware.' Did you write that? And what is that?" he asked again, pointing at a body on the floor. "Tell me!"

"Body," Gary answered.

"Whatever. If you didn't do it then get to you dormitory. You have Transfiguration tomorrow, and you're going to need your rest."

"Oh, so now you know my schedule, now?"

"Of course, I'm your teacher."

"Fine, but what about the body?"

"I shall drag it myself!" the teacher went over to the body and started dragging it away. Gary and Dom started back to their dormitory. They heard a loud _clunk!_ as the body's head collided with a wall.

**Chapter 5**

The She-Male, Dom's Attacker, and the Rough Bludger

**G**ary and Dom were now walking into the Transfiguration classroom. "Hello, Professor McDonald."

"Hello. Please sit down Mr. Splotter."

"What if I don't want to?" Gary asked. "Before you say anything, I'll just sit down. But, I have a question, though," Gary said as he sat down.

"What is it?"

Gary got closer to the Professor as if he was going to say something in her ear. At the last second, he screamed, "Do you know anything about the Chamber of Blank!?!"

"Of course I do!" Professor McDonald said as she got up from her chair. "Now, of course, you know - "

"Are you a she-male? Before you say anything, just keep on goin', I'm just trying to make conversation."

"Yes, well, the Chamber of Blank was made by one of the greatest wizards of our age, who was head of Slytherin. He made the Chamber to purge the school of all muggle-borns. But there is one person he _really_ wants to attack. Do want to know who he's after?"

"You?"

"You."

"Bumbledor?"

"You!"

"…oh, Dom."

"Ugh, class dismissed! If you want to find out any more go to the library!

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Gary was now sitting in the Gryffindor common room, reading a book. "Hey, Gary! How ya doin'?" Dom asked as he walked through the portrait hole.

"Hey, I'm reading that one book Professor Drape was talking about, about the Polyjuice Potion."

"So, with that we can transform into human."

"Into _another _human."

"Sweet! Hey! We could use that to get into the Slytherin common room!"

"Yes, and find out if Professor Drape _is_ the real heir."

"You mean Malfoy."

"I don't think Malfoy is. Ya wanna know why?"

"Why?"

"Voldemort has brown hair and Malfoy has blond."

"How do you know if You-Know-Who is the real heir or not?"

"I don't! Sorry!"

Dom shook his head. "You know that's the dumbest idea. You-Know-Who being the heir. That's a good one! Now, you have a Quidditch game right now."

"But I gotta study," Gary said as he started to read the book again. Dom ripped it out of his hands.

"Now! Pitch, that way!" he yelled and pointed in the pitch's direction with his wand. Gary stared at him. "The pitch. It's that way."

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"Welcome to this year's first Quidditch match!" the announcer said. "Today it is Gryffindor vs. Slytherin. Oh, it's starting to rain." The entire sky suddenly lit up as a huge lightning bolt streaked across it. "Oh, and Mrs. Pooch just got struck by lightning, so the game is canceled. Oh, my gosh! A rough bludger is heading for Gary Splotter! He's hit!" Gary lay sprawled on the floor, groaning in pain. Professor Mocktart ran up to him.

"Mr. Splotter! I'll heal your arm for you!" he said, grabbing his arm.

"No!" Gary screamed, but it was too late: Professor Mocktart had cast the spell.

"Oh, your arm's all weird and flexy. You've lost all your bones. Well, we better get you to the hospital wing. _Propellus!_"

"Ow, that really hurts!" Gary yelled as his stomach started to rise into the air. "Ahhh! Ahhh! It's tearing my stomach out! Ahhh! Ahhhh! Ahhhh! You idiot!"

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"Oh, Mr. Splotter. Such a mistake with that rough bludger," Madame Profey said as she set Gary on a bed in the hospital wing. "Now, you need to drink your _Skelly Grow_." She gave Gary the bottle and he took a sip.

"That tastes really bad."

"And what did you expect? Dr. Pepper or something?"

"Actually, I thought it was…beer."

"_Sleepos_," Madame Profey said as she pointed her wand at Gary.

"No!" He knocked the wand away from him.

"Just go to sleep!" she groaned. "And make sure you drink the rest of this." She handed him the _Skelly Grow _bottle. She then turned off the lights and left. Then, Gary heard a voice.

_Come…_

_Come to me…_

_I smell…hamburgers…_

"Hamburgers!"

_I smell pizza…_

"Pizza? Mmm."

_Come…come…_

"I can't move! Bring it to me!"

_Come! I smell it all!_

"Well, to bad! I can't eat anything except this stupid beer like thing!" Then, a house elf appeared before Gary.

"Hello! I'm Dobby! Congratulations on breaking your arm! Did you know I did that?"

"_You_ did this?" Gary asked as he tried to get up.

"Yes! I did it!"

"Drink this, it's really good," Gary said, handing the _Skelly Grow_ bottle to Dobby. Dobby took it and took a swig. He then started coughing and sputtering. "Ha ha! It tastes really bad!"

"Oh, my gosh! Somebody's coming!" Dobby then disappeared. Gary lay down, muttering to himself that somebody was coming.

"Wait! I'm afraid of the dark!" he screamed. "Turn the lights on!"

Professor Bumbledor walked in after supporting someone. "No, this is too terrible. Oh, Mr. Splotter, you'll have to get up. There has been another attack. Another has been petrified."

"What?" Gary asked, faking that he had been asleep. "I'm sleeping, go away."

"Get up, Mr. Splotter," Professor Bumbledor said more sternly, trying to drag Gary off the bed.

"No! Don't take me to the dementors!" Gary yelled as he was pulled off the bed by Professor Bumbledor and fell on his broken arm. "Ow!"

Professor Bumbledor placed the petrified person on the bed. "It is as I feared. The Chamber of Blank has been opened again!"

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It had been a few days after Gary had gotten out of the hospital wing. Professor Drape and Professor Mocktart were hosting a dueling club and Gary and Dom were there. Before the two professors were to show a sample duel to everyone, Professor Drape walked up to Gary.

"Hello, Mr. Splotter."

"Get outta my head!" Gary screamed, cowering g from the professor.

"I will, if you do me a favor."

"What, Spade?"

Professor Drape ignored that Gary had called him Spade and said, "Take my place for the duel." He knew Gary would either end up hurting himself or Professor Mocktart very badly.

"Okay!" Gary answered.

Professor Mocktart walked out to greet the crowd waiting to see the duel. "Hello people. And welcome to this dueling club!" he said to them. "Now, allow me to introduce my assistant, Professor Drape!" Gary walked out onto the stage. "Where is Professor Drape?" Professor Mocktart asked.

"I'm taking his place," Gary answered.

"Okay. Now - "

"Hello, hello, hello. I'm Garry Splotter."

"Yes, now - "

"Avadacadavada!" Gary yelled, sending sparks at Professor Mocktart. He simply blocked them. "Hey! You blocked those!"

"Yes."

"But you're stupid!"

"Come over here Gary. Wands at the ready! Turn about face!" They both walked forward three steps. "On my count of three, we cast our charms. Three!"

Gary turned around and shouted, "_Expelliarmus!_" Professor Mocktart flew backwards and his wand shot out of his hand. Gary threw his over his shoulder and picked up Professor Mocktart's.

"Ooohhh, a better one." Gary then walked over to Professor Mocktart and started beating him with his wand, saying, "Die, die, die."

"Mr. Splotter! Please duel Mr. Measley." Gary gave Professor Mocktart back his wand, picked up his, and went over to Dom.

"Gary, while the teachers aren't looking, we need to get to the bathroom."

"Why?"

"Polyjuice Potion!"

"But we're in the middle of a duel."

"Who cares? _Come on_, we need to do it now!"

"_Crucio!_" Gary yelled at Dom. Dom fell to the floor, screaming and twitching in pain. "_Uncrucio!_"

Dom got up. "Alright, let's go - "

"_Crucio!_"

"Ahhh!"

"_Uncrucio!_"

**Chapter 6**

The Polyjuice Potion

**G**ary and Dom were now in the girls' bathroom. Nobody ever used it because of the ghost that haunted it (which was why they were using it).

"Gary, the Polyjuice Potion's done."

"Good! I hope it tastes like beer."

"Here," Dom said, bringing over a bucket containing the potion. "Take a cup and drink." They both gulped down the potion. "_Ugh!_ I feel sick!" Both started moaning. After they were done twitching in pain, they got up and looked in the mirror. "Hey, it worked! Wait, wasn't there suppose to be a ghost in this place?"

"I don't know." A ghost slowly rose from a toilet.

"Ahh! It's Foaming Turtle!" The ghost just wavered over the toilet with her mouth open like she was going to fall over, like she was high. "Uh, do you know where the Slytherin common room is?" Dom asked.

"Uh…no…."

"You're an idiot!" Gary told Foaming Turtle.

"All of this was all for nut now!" Dom complained. "Let's drink the antidote." They both choked it down.

"Aaaahhhhh!" Gary screamed. "It burns!!! It burns!!! My butt!!! Ahh!!! His butt is smaller than mine!!! Aaaaahhhhh!!!!!"

"Dude, we're back to normal now. Hey! Look at this. It's a diary."

"Let me see it."

"It says 'Property of Assama bin Riddle.'" Behind the two of them, Foaming Turtle floated out of the bathroom, as if she was about to fall over. A few inches more an she did. "Well, I have to go to the bathroom so, I'm gonna go find the boys'." Gary went back to the common room.

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Gary was sitting in a chair in the Gryffindor common room. "Interesting. Especially this Assama bin Riddle person. Well, let's see." Gary opened the diary. For some reason, Foaming Turtle was at the portrait hole, floating back and forth through it. Gary wrote within the diary, "My name is Gary Splotter."

A voice boomed, "My name is Assama bin Riddle!"

"Mute!" Gary yelled at the diary, pressing it with his quill. "Mute!!"

"Now I will take you to the past - and trap you forever!" Gary was then sucked into the diary.

"Where am I?" Gary asked.

A Middle Eastern came before him - Assama bin Riddle. "You are in my world!"

"Who are you?"

"I am Assama bin Riddle. I have a big snake and it will attack you. I am going to kill you now."

"Stab," Gary said as he poked Assama bin Riddle. Then, Gary was sucked from Assama's world back to his. "What the _heck_ was that!"

"Gary!" Dom screamed as he ran up to him. "What happened?"

"I don't know. I got sucked into the diary and this guy came up to me and said, 'I'm Assama bin Riddle! I have a giant snake and I will kill you!' And I'm like, 'Really now?' And he's like, 'Yeah!' And I'm like, 'Stab,' and I ran and now I'm back!"

"We need to see Professor Bumbledor about this."

"No, we don't!"

"Yes, we do!"

"No, we don't!"

"He needs to know!"

"This is him, right here," Gary said, pointing at his butt. "That's him."

"Gary, go see him, now!"

"Fine!"

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"Bumbledor?" Gary walked into Professor Bumbledor's office. The headmaster turned to face him. "You know what happened? Today, we found this diary. It was by this guy named Assama bin Riddle. Somehow, I went into the diary and Assama comes and says, 'I have a giant snake and I will kill you now!' And I was like, 'Stab!' and now I'm back here and…now I'm back here!"

"I'm afraid that I can be of no further assistance for I have been stripped of headmaster of this area."

"How?"

"Why, Mister Malfoy's father came down here and stripped me. But Mr. Tagrid has some advice for you."

"What is it?"

"Follow the giant, eating spiders."

"Let's follow the spiders!" Gary screamed and marched off.

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"Dom!" Gary screamed in the common room.

"What?"

"We hake to go to the big place, the - the - the forest and follow the giant man-eating spiders."

"Sweet!" And they marched off.

**Chapter 7**

The Chamber of Blank

**"I**t's really dark out here, you know?" Gary asked Dom.

"_Lumos_." The tip of Dom's wand lighted. They both started walking forward.

"What was that noise?" Gary asked.

"I don't know."

"It's scary! I'm scared!"

"Calm _down_ Gary," Dom hissed at him. Then, "You see that Gary?"

"Spiders."

"Yeah."

"I thought you were afraid of spiders."

"I am. But I have to face my fears. It's what my mom always said." Then they both heard a low, growly voice. Gary screamed and ran off.

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Dom had made it back to the common room. He and Gary were arguing. "We're never listening to Tagrid's advice any more! That was scary!"

"Dude! He said we have to go to the bathroom."

"Well, you know what? That spider was scary so I'm not going to _believe_ him."

"Foaming Turtle might know."

"Well, you know, Foaming Turtle is _weird_."

"Let's at least go to the bathroom and give it a try."

"Well, you know what? Okay, then."

Dom then looked much too serious and said, "Let's go."

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Gary and Dom hurried down the hall, trying not to be seen. They quickly stopped before turning a corner, because they had heard voices. They were coming their way.

"Yes, Arbus, a child has been taken to the chamber," Professor McDonald said.

"Then, it is as I feared. With no one in knowledge of where the chamber is, the poor child will be unable to receive help and Hogwarts will be shut down." The headmaster responded.

As soon as the two teachers passed by, Gary and Dom hurried off to the girls' bathroom. Which is why they missed Professor Bumbledor asking who the child was and Professor McDonald's answer, "Gitty Measley."

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"We're in the bathroom. Now what?" Gary asked as soon as they reached the girls' bathroom.

"Let's ask Foaming Turtle." Foaming Turtle floated up from the toilet.

"What!?" Her character had completely changed. She was more rude, jumpy, and sharp.

"Have you seen anything odd lately."

"No."

"Do you know where the Chamber of Blank is?"

"Uh, yes."

"Where is it?" Gary asked.

"I don't know."

Dom suddenly turned. "Hey, look at this sign right here. 'The Chamber of Blank.'"

"You know what, Dom. Let's not go in. I mean, who cares if a girl's gonna die? It's just a girl."

"Hey!" Foaming Turtle yelled at him.

"Excuse Gary," Dom said. "He's dumb."

"Well, let's at least lock this," Gary said as he locked the door to the Chamber of Blank. "Alright, let's go see Bumbledor and McDonald."

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"So, the Chamber of Blank has been sealed?" Professor McDonald asked.

"Yep," Gary answered.

"And what about the girl?"

"We locked her - "

"It was too late too save her!" Dom interrupted. "I'm afraid it was too late."

"Oh, you poor child. You probably want some time alone. C'mon Gary, let's go down to the feast." Gary and the two professors left. Dom starred at them, confused.

"What do you mean, want time alone? I want to go to the feast. Hey. Hey! Come back!"


End file.
